I've been watching all the YouTube videos piling up on Dan Savage's "It Gets Better Project" channel http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject which has actually started getting some celebrity participation (non-YouTube celebrities, I mean: Kathy Griffin, Chaz Bono, Zachary Quinto, for example).
Savage says that he started the channel a few weeks ago, in response to the recent spate of gay teen suicides in the news, because he thought to himself "If only I could have spent five minutes talking to one of these kids, I might have been able to save a life." After noting that YouTube creates an end-run around communities and families that would otherwise be inclined to shield their teenagers from contact with any gay adults in an advice-giving setting -- in school or church, for instance -- (or at least it does for those kids who can get unrestricted and unmonitored access to the internet, which is an iffy proposition even in the most liberal families), he decided to create a resource for kids looking for validation of their non-mainstream sexuality.
Not that he's the first to have utilized YouTube for such a purpose -- there's been a growing body of coming-out videos collecting on YouTube for a number of years now. And some of the participation before now has even been explicitly motivated by the hope of discouraging suicides -- a guy named Don Alden started a YouTube channel called MorMenLikeMe http://www.youtube.com/user/MorMenLikeMe out of concern for the high risk of suicide for young people growing up in religiously-conservative (particularly Mormon) families.
There are a couple of things that bother me about the It Gets Better effort, though. Most of all, I can't help but wonder if the relentlessly upbeat message ("I got bullied in school, but look at me now!) might actually be counterproductive for a lot of the kids who are in the midst of crappy relationships with their parents and peers. It sometimes seems like a superficial message to me -- accentuate the positive, don't dwell on the negative, and (if you end up looking as good as Dan Savage and Terry Miller do) you'll be having a great time before you know it.
Part of it may be that there's a standard "format" and time-slot for these messages (and I have no doubt that they're moderated for content), whereas the spontaneous coming-out videos on YouTube are uncensored, frequently much longer, and aren't constrained to have that irritating punch-line "It Gets Better!". No, Dan -- though your heart is in the right place, I **don't** think a successful gay adult having five minutes with a suicidal kid is necessarily going to help anybody (and, dare I say this, in the case of Savage himself, I could easily imagine it driving somebody over the edge -- Savage can be, well, savage in some of his snarky on-air advice-giving.)
In any case, short of watching the videos themselves, there isn't much of a suggestion as to what a kid in that position is supposed to **do**. Take martial-arts classes? Hire a lawyer and threaten to sue the hell out of the school district? Take antidepressants? Bring pepper spray to school?
The focus on specifically LGBTQ kids also misses the point, to some extent. There are a number of categories of kids who are relentlessly bullied in school (and some of them are indeed bullied by being called "fag" or "queer" whether they are or not). For one thing, kids on the autistic spectrum are highly susceptible to being bullied. Overweight kids are usually bullied, especially if they're timid and can't hit back. (And if you're an overweight gay male, unless you can drop the weight and tone up in the gym, things are for sure **not** going to get better when it comes to finding a lover.)
There's a psychologist named Brian G. Gilmartin who wrote back in the 80s about a category of men he called "love shy" (maybe 40% of whom he now thinks are probably on the autistic spectrum, but Asperger's Syndrome was virtually unknown back in the 80s) who are characterized by a **temperamental** mismatch with the ideal male personality in this country -- the extraverted, dominant, energetic types who "deserve" to get the girl. http://www.love-shy.com/gilmartin-book Males born in America who are "sensitive" (which means literally having been born with a nervous system with a higher "pitch" of arousal, or a lower arousal threshold), introverted, or "melancholic", are **always** headed for trouble in public school -- bullying (including being labelled as "queer", whether they are or not), rejection by the peer group (and even by their parents and families), exclusion from social activities, and falling to the bottom of the dominance and popularity hierarchy. For such kids, the damage can often be permanent -- lifelong involuntary celibacy, Avoidant Personality Disorder, social phobia, lifelong loneliness. Sometimes, it just Doesn't Get Better.
I get a whiff, from the It Gets Better channel on YouTube, of what Barbara Ehrenreich has been writing about recently as America's culture of irrational optimism, and her suggestion that people who **can't** just pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, be "cured" by a five-minute pep talk, think themselves free of cancer, or whatever, are therefore labelled by America's population of amateur self-help gurus as losers after all. It's a hair's-breadth away from blaming the victim.
I've been watching all the YouTube videos piling up on
ReplyDeleteDan Savage's "It Gets Better Project" channel
http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject
which has actually started getting some celebrity
participation (non-YouTube celebrities, I mean:
Kathy Griffin, Chaz Bono, Zachary Quinto, for example).
Savage says that he started the channel a few weeks
ago, in response to the recent spate of gay teen suicides in
the news, because he thought to himself "If only I
could have spent five minutes talking to one of these
kids, I might have been able to save a life." After noting
that YouTube creates an end-run around communities
and families that would otherwise be inclined to shield
their teenagers from contact with any gay adults in
an advice-giving setting -- in school or church, for
instance -- (or at least it does for those kids who
can get unrestricted and unmonitored access to the internet,
which is an iffy proposition even in the most liberal
families), he decided to create a resource for kids
looking for validation of their non-mainstream sexuality.
Not that he's the first to have utilized YouTube for
such a purpose -- there's been a growing body of coming-out
videos collecting on YouTube for a number of years now.
And some of the participation before now has even been
explicitly motivated by the hope of discouraging
suicides -- a guy named Don Alden started a YouTube channel
called MorMenLikeMe
http://www.youtube.com/user/MorMenLikeMe
out of concern for the high risk of suicide for
young people growing up in religiously-conservative
(particularly Mormon) families.
There are a couple of things that bother me about the
ReplyDeleteIt Gets Better effort, though. Most of all, I can't help
but wonder if the relentlessly upbeat message ("I got bullied
in school, but look at me now!) might actually be
counterproductive for a lot of the kids who are in the
midst of crappy relationships with their parents and
peers. It sometimes seems like a superficial message to
me -- accentuate the positive, don't dwell on the negative,
and (if you end up looking as good as Dan Savage and
Terry Miller do) you'll be having a great time before you
know it.
Part of it may be that there's a standard "format" and time-slot
for these messages (and I have no doubt that they're
moderated for content), whereas the spontaneous coming-out
videos on YouTube are uncensored, frequently much longer,
and aren't constrained to have that irritating punch-line
"It Gets Better!". No, Dan -- though your heart is in
the right place, I **don't** think a successful gay adult
having five minutes with a suicidal kid is necessarily
going to help anybody (and, dare I say this, in the case
of Savage himself, I could easily imagine it driving
somebody over the edge -- Savage can be, well, savage
in some of his snarky on-air advice-giving.)
In any case, short of watching the videos themselves, there
isn't much of a suggestion as to what a kid in that
position is supposed to **do**. Take martial-arts classes?
Hire a lawyer and threaten to sue the hell out
of the school district? Take antidepressants? Bring
pepper spray to school?
The focus on specifically LGBTQ kids also misses the point,
to some extent. There are a number of categories of kids
who are relentlessly bullied in school (and some of them
are indeed bullied by being called "fag" or "queer"
whether they are or not). For one thing, kids on the
autistic spectrum are highly susceptible to being
bullied. Overweight kids are usually bullied, especially
if they're timid and can't hit back. (And if you're an
overweight gay male, unless you can drop the weight and tone
up in the gym, things are for sure **not** going to get better
when it comes to finding a lover.)
There's a psychologist named Brian G. Gilmartin who wrote
ReplyDeleteback in the 80s about a category of men he called "love shy"
(maybe 40% of whom he now thinks are probably on the
autistic spectrum, but Asperger's Syndrome was virtually
unknown back in the 80s) who are characterized by a
**temperamental** mismatch with the ideal male personality
in this country -- the extraverted, dominant, energetic
types who "deserve" to get the girl.
http://www.love-shy.com/gilmartin-book
Males born in America who are "sensitive" (which
means literally having been born with a nervous system
with a higher "pitch" of arousal, or a lower arousal
threshold), introverted, or "melancholic", are **always**
headed for trouble in public school -- bullying (including
being labelled as "queer", whether they are or not),
rejection by the peer group (and even by their parents
and families), exclusion from social activities,
and falling to the bottom of the dominance
and popularity hierarchy. For such kids, the damage
can often be permanent -- lifelong involuntary
celibacy, Avoidant Personality Disorder, social phobia,
lifelong loneliness. Sometimes, it just Doesn't Get
Better.
I get a whiff, from the It Gets Better channel on YouTube,
of what Barbara Ehrenreich has been writing about
recently as America's culture of irrational optimism,
and her suggestion that people who **can't** just
pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, be
"cured" by a five-minute pep talk, think themselves
free of cancer, or whatever, are therefore labelled
by America's population of amateur self-help gurus as
losers after all. It's a hair's-breadth away from
blaming the victim.