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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Dolores Umbridge Declares Cruciatus Curse "Forgiveble -- When It Works"

In one of the latest in her recent round of media interviews from her cell in Azkaban, an apparently unrepentant Dolores Umbridge pronounced the Imperius, Cruciatus, and Killing Curses "forgivable and even necessary when circumstances warrant their use in the good opinion of properly constituted authorities of pure blood." Asked to respond to widespread objections concerning both the immorality and even inefficacy of her viewpoint, Umbridge dismissively assured the interviewer, "These are things every true grownup knows deep down in their hearts." Pressed for clarification concerning the relationship of such intuitions and Ministry policies during her tenure, Umbridge asserted that her guiding principle was always, "When the Ministry does it, it's not Unforgivable." A number of well-connected well-off now-retired Death Eaters who have been associated in recent reporting by independent journalists at The Quibbler to a "controversial" Ministry program during the Second Wizarding War to obtain information via Cruciatus from Muggles gathered in random sweeps of the country apparently in the hope of ascertaining the whereabouts of then Undesirable Number One have agreed with Umbridge's remarks "on security grounds" in a number of very serious editorials published in The Prophet as well as in a series of Pitch Papers published by prominent think tanks like the Dark Arts Institute, Pureblood Preservation Foundation, and the Project for a New Slytherin Century. Asked for comment on her predecessor's recent declarations Hogwarts Headmistress Minerva McGonagall is reported to have said (among other things): "What is this nonsense? The laws on these matters, and I might add the Principles involved, are clear as daylight and have been for centuries. Azkaban exists for a reason, you know."


Kate said...

Cute :)
I'm guessing that Umbridge is supposed to be the rough equivalent of Cheney. But do you really think that she'd be this willing to spout her views on pure blood, etc.? Umbridge always struck me as being more like Albert Speer--that is, being an opportunist more than anything else. I doubt she'd apologize for her wrongdoings though.

Go Democrats said...

No, I think dale is skewering Pelosi, and that the secong woman mentioned is Jane Harman.

Dale Carrico said...

I had Cheney in mind, obviously. I can't even imagine why you would think Pelosi provides a better analogy. And as for analogizing Jane Harman to Minerva McGonagall I must say that's just plain wrong! I must protest! I think Harman's more in the line of, say, Pansy Parkinson.